I think it is time you all started looking into retirement community-type things. Apparently she moved in with their dad when he left. June 18, 2015, 1:43 pm. . Sep 27, 2019 at 1:55 PM. Making you his main priority and breaking away from his family is, in the end, his decision. Giving care is one thing. Are you stressed, frustrated, overwhelmed, or confused? RedRoverRedRover Thats not to say that I think they shouldnt fulfill their familial duties to the MIL. Hiring live in care, or convincing your MIL to move to an assisted living center nearby where she can be taken care of by people who are equipped to do so may be the most benefical to everyone, particularly her. It sounds like they are all (MIL included) living in pretty shitty conditions. If anything, it sounds like she is starved for contact, whether she knows that or not. However, you should check yourself when you start drifting away from your partner. Nicole I agree. Yesterday, I received an email from a woman who was overcome with negative emotions. The suddenly MIL has the money clear out of the blue to help with finances after they buy a house when she clearly didnt have the money to do so in her own place? Raccoon eyes Why was that? Stay calm and think it through to evaluate your marriage and save it from crumbling. BLOG. My parents didnt and dont see what they were doing. But instead of attacking your MIL, you should be looking for solutions. Seriously. Of course its not a good idea to leave knives sitting out, especially with a child in the home but even if she ran right into the blade of a loose knife, it would have just slid over or gotten knocked off the counter. What Happens When There Is Lack of Attention in Relationship? with yourself. Well, it turns out that his mom felt attacked. He talks to his mom about it. Whether you choose to keep him with his new found spine, is up to you. Now that you are married, you find it challenging to deal with these issues. Certain events can jerk us back to reality when you find out your soulmate is flawed and imperfect. The stress that would put on me every day. to solve the problem. No matter how much you love your spouse, there will be days when you hate their guts. She could have written in about the husband and issues with navigating her MILs care and left everything else out. I think this letter writer is giving off the impression of being a bit self-centered and entitled and it might be helpful to point this out to her. I am not saying she should take care of the baby alone, but there are ways to say things. To pay for a home she would need to sell her house. We offend each other, but you will find it challenging to forgive someone who does it repeatedly and unapologetically. And some of your concerns being naked? And personally, I think a little sympathy would be more helpful in getting her to think rationally and kindly about the situation than telling her shes being entitled and being a bad person. Overall, I feel for you. How Do I Make My Partner Realize Their Responsibilities? Fair enough. Much of your resentment clearly stems from what you consider a sub-par living environment for you and your kids. That one could be real, it almost happened to me once (not while I was pregnant). We made long-term goals together like engagement, marriage, kids, the whole 9. Before, you considered each others blemishes, and you werent judgmental. June 18, 2015, 10:49 am, honeybeenicki You probably hate him because he is flawed. The fact that Mom is providing the roof currently does not give her carte blanche for any and all bad behaviour. The temporary hatred you feel often fades once your husband changes or you get what you want. I read it too quickly the first time and thought you wrote Not that I think you have experienced instead of not that I think you have to have experienced It changed the whole tone. June 18, 2015, 11:02 am. I mean, think about how you would want to be treated by your own children then apply that to your parents or your partners parents. Learning what to do when you hate your spouse involves limiting your exposure to crashed and, 7 Ways to Feel Better When Someone Hurts You, When you hate your husband so much, could there be another person? "I Hate that My Husband Takes Care of His Mother" In the beginning, I absolutely adored my MIL and had no worries about the promise my husband had made (long before I knew him) to always take care of her because she had a stroke several years earlier. He's not perfect but no one is. Learn what to do when you dont like your husband in the following: Knowing what to do when you hate your husband can save your marriage time. It ended up being the best thing for her. The message would be the same, but the approach could be a lot different. Does he mean that he *must* live with her? And I dont think the anger the commenters are feeling is inappropriate, either. Understand that many of your expectations before marriage will crumble because living together often shows us their new traits. They talk about things, go out often, advise and help each other. I forgot about the honey thing. I think it is important the letter writer is honest with herself and her husband about this before they commit to buying a house. . They had to know going in what the situation would be like, but hey! Radical thought, I know Sigh. If you cant get past why you hate your husband so much, it may be time for you to seek the help of a marriage counselor. He doesn't work on the relationship. Marriage is full of ups and downs, and you might have forgotten each other as you navigate life. something random It wont make him change, and guess what? I like Wendys suggestion that the letter writer finds a way to honor her obligation to her mother in law in way that doesnt dry her out from resentment year after year. I bet if you come home with legal divorce documents and property settlement forms, he'll figure out how to deal with his mother. Taking responsibility can help resolve some of the tension between you and your partner. Aubrey Ray Its one thing to say Look, I see youre living in very difficult circumstances, and that the stress of that is probably clouding your judgement. Could you be transferring aggression? Plus, she has unhealthy hygiene (like, she only bathes once a week and sometimes does not wash her hands before putting them in shared food like chips or shredded cheese), and she lets her dog, who stays cooped up in her room all day, use puppy pads that she keeps until either my husband and I complain about the smell. June 18, 2015, 9:45 am. They probably werent stationed anywhere near the MIL so her condition was a surprise. Your spouse is your stepchild. will crumble because living together often shows us their new traits. I understand that she must have felt desperate, but shes calling out her MIL for having bad judgment (as a mother and grandmother), when it seems like the LWs judgment is questionable, too. That is pretty much human decency to help your parents out as they age and cant handle everything themselves. But now I get it- Husband promised his mother to take care of her, like, physically, not just help out and such. That's how the singer-songwriter who died Thursday at the age of 54 referred to her four children, daughters Riley, Finley and Harper . All rights reserved. Seen how she lived and what the conditions were? We've been together for 16 years and married 14 years. Be an adult, support yourself, and if you need help, accept it graciously and compassionately and dont look your gift horse in the mouth (i.e. Since the husband was coming out of the military I dont think they had much chance to see how the MIL was living and how she had changed. The long-estranged FILs statement that the sons promise is the LWs promise is utter horseshit. Its not easy, but its necessary. Oh, come on. . Many women want a reliable partner to effectively manage a home and a family. I for one, aknowledge that these living conditions must be very difficult. Ridiculous. Constant dislike for your spouse shows an underlying problem you need to solve. If your husband stopped behaving like the man in the house, that might explain why you hate him so much. You should be more concerned when you frequently hate things about your husband. 3. Shes not bedridden, so while helping her with whatever is fine, there may be lots she can do for herself. Nope, sorry dont buy it. Thankfully, this article has done a great job highlighting common reasons wives hate their husbands and what they can do. It's also very difficult to blame others when we're using I-Statements. to change some behaviors, it is better to accept that his flaws will always be part of him. Once the wife tables her grievances and apologizes, the couple goes right back to loving each other. But who among us isnt? When my husband was two, she gave him weed to try to get him to go to sleep, and saw nothing wrong with being naked around him and allowing other females to be naked around him clear up to his teen years. 2. I want to weigh in here. Theres a nicer way to present it. I understand that they are divorced but I wanted to point out the utter hypocrisy of him trying to hold his son to a promise made long ago. Also, my entire job is trying to mitigate or prevent the self-neglect you describe. Whenever she asks us to do something she always says, Whenever you get the chance, doesnt have to be right now. Yet, if the request isnt fulfilled shortly after, she gets pissy. Sylvia believes that every couple can transform their relationship into a happier, healthier one by taking purposeful and wholehearted action. My point: not all families or bonds are the same.) Wheres your compassion for that? However, its just for a short while. I know its tempting to ask how the hell did LW get herself into this situation?, but the more important question is how to get out of it. We expect it to be a perfect partnership between two individuals in love who are ready to build a home. Are you happy within yourself? Possibly. And if you cant afford your own place yet because you and your husband are both unemployed, then TOUGH SHIT. It sounds like she is/will be a loving grandparent who just needs boundaries. Speaking of whichwho among you plans to hold your adult child to a promise made when they were younger and living a different situation? From your original comment I wouldnt have known. Marriage brings two individuals in love together. It can pave the way for a better relationship. Dear Wendy She specifically said she wants her husband to forget about his promise because he is married now. Life is unpredictable, and marriage is full of surprises. Make sure you can support a baby before getting pregnant. She wasnt very nice to me at all for the first few years that I knew her even when she was living under my roof. It sounds like LW did not know what she was signing up for when they moved in. Strange, right? Put her in an elderly home already! When you hate your husband so much, the reason could be because you are unhappy with yourself. That would help a lot with the hygiene. something random Banking on getting a job right after graduation is not a good idea. But if this happens frequently, you must ask yourself, Why do I feel like I hate my husband?. Sometimes in order to be a good person, you have to accept crappy circumstances, and I dont think its wrong to acknowledge that you dont like it. June 18, 2015, 2:12 pm. I will add that I dont think it is wise to buy a house she cant afford. Maybe this means finding a duplex so people can have their own space, or helping MIL downsize to a place that is far more manageable and she can afford a cleaner once or twice a week. Wouldnt you want the same or is everything supposed to benefit you in some way? If your husband treats you formally and forgets to enjoy your union, you may start hating him. Not sure what youre talking about. You might hate your husband because he prioritizes only himself. Is there any money that can be spent on outsourcing care for the mother? Ive noticed men are careless with how they leave things (even knives) on the counter. Start by making your husband aware of your feelings before taking other steps. Its another thing to tell her shes a jerk and entitled. And I would assume husband had an OK upbringing, hence the promise to always look after mother. However, you should check yourself when you start, The Significance and Importance of Forgiveness in a Marriage, We think they have failed and hate them when they dont meet our. Am I wrong for wanting my husband to break his promise to his mother that he made sooo long ago? Besides, hating your husband is just like when you blurt out, I hate this car! when it refuses to start during a rush hour. The honey thing? 3 Detrimental Effects of Lack of Communication in Marriage, Marriage Is Not About Your Happiness but Is About Compromise, The Importance of Date Night in a Marriage and Tips to Make It Happen, Indeed, you are lovers, but that doesnt take away the place of respect. You do know that years ago it wasnt well known that babies shouldnt have honey, right? Love is more enjoyable when the two partners are on the same page. I was also aware that his mother and father split when my husband was around 7 because his mom cheated on him. Not My Promise. Im literally days away from my due date and my blood pressure has been going up. Research on narcissistic personality disorder would somewhat support this strategy. One way to stop hating is to forgive them so that you can heal. She used to live with us and didnt treat me well. This article will provide the answers you need. He learned this strategy early in childhood, often from a harsh and abusive or guilt-inducing . But the mother sounds like a narcissistic nightmare. So maybe instead of being a jerk shes ill-prepared and panicked. I feel like we need to try harder to see all sides here. She was FAR nicer to me than LWs MIL is to her. Elderly people often lose the capacity to properly care for themselves, and if she was already mentally ill, or even eccentric, Im sure the issue is exacerbated. I hear you. Have you considered getting in home care, getting her into assisted living, ect. Marriage doesnt mean you stopped treating your partner like you used to when you were courting. Yes, it is if he refuses to reciprocate the love and gesture. Wendy, I think your column was great advice for this letter writer. He refuses even to consider counseling. I agree compassion is often the best tool when dealing with difficult people. Is that right? All Im saying, a lot of this responses are piling on the LW and telling her to have sympathy for her MIL (which is true, she needs to find that and take on a more compassionate view of the situation) while at the same time being pretty unsympathetic to what the LW is going through. Im sure she *wants* to do those things, like take care of herself and clean her house, but she physically *cant*. Maybe shes depressed. Everytime I hear her on the phone to dh she's. So let me see if I understand this. Why do I feel like I hate my husband? The harsh truth is that you have a vague and unrealistic idea of marriage. I have mentioned that I love living now? I grew up in a family that didnt make the human body sinful or sexual in nonsexual situations. What is a Revocable Living Trust for a Married Couple? I do stroke rehabilitation with older adults and one of the nasty parts of having a stroke is that sometimes peoples strokes leave them with defecits in self awareness, attention, balance, problem solving and social skills. June 18, 2015, 9:37 am. Slooooow clap for Wendy!!! We pay the majority of the bills, take care of the house, provide the groceries, and drive her to and from her appointments. And honestly if a post stroke victim is living in shitty conditions maybe you can be a little more compassionate? To begin with, when you hate your husband, it doesnt necessarily mean you have no feelings for them anymore. June 18, 2015, 10:11 am. If it was that awful, she should have put her foot down and moved before now. So you talk to your husband and you move out. It sounds like she may have lasting effects from her stroke (judgment issues, memory issues, etc) and who knows, maybe she has other issues as well. I dont hate my MIL but we will never be close. I think there is room for a grain of salt here in how we judge the LW. Had she never visited her? June 18, 2015, 10:27 am. It does not have to be living with her. Also, I dont really like my MIL. The challenge to my marriage. Those arent excuses. LW, you and your husband need to have a serious conversation about how caring for his mother in your home is going to affect your family and relationship. Copyright 2023 Dear Wendy. It doesnt matter if you say, I hate living with my husband. It wont change anything unless you let him know your feelings. Another way to stop hating your spouse is to remember the good old days. Turns out my daughter had tried to wake him up for juice, his mom told her not to wake him and that she would get it for her. bricklink greef karga. Recollect how happy you were on your wedding day? How come you suddenly dislike your husband or slowly hating my husband? This is particularly if he cannot seem to function without his mother. We were always responsible for working around her illness and walking on eggshells. It sounds like the MIL is going to need all of her own money so that she can be taken care of. Built in babysitter/dogsitter right next door! Otherwise, its bound to bring out hatred in one person. No biggie. For my part, I simply cannot imagine living with either of my parents. Knowing the specific reasons can save your marriage, whether he stopped sending flowers or stopped going on regular dates. We bought the entire building because the owner was selling it. Effective and intentional communication cant be overemphasized. Dear Wendy June 18, 2015, 10:02 am. ele4phant Having a selfish husband means being stuck with stunted communication in your marriage. How Did You Decide Whether to Have Another Baby? Accept that he can never be the charming prince you see on the television. One thing you should know that being married to a husband attached to his mother is not always a bad thing. FWIW I wouldnt want to live with either of my parents either, or take on the role of caregiver. Was she not in touch with the woman? They feel they are just protecting their vulnerable child, with little awareness of the effect it has had on me and other sis. I was thinking the same about the honey thing. I think it is natural to feel a little defensive when strangers comment on how shitty someone is for not caring about their poor parents. Jeez, I think these responses are kind of harsh. I agree with Wendy that caring for someone doesnt mean having to live with them and care for them yourself. June 18, 2015, 9:56 am. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3411865/, https://www.researchgate.net/publication/263492646_His_and_her_marriage_expectations_Determinants_and_consequences, https://www.nbcnews.com/better/pop-culture/how-thoughtful-communication-can-improve-your-marriage-according-divorce-attorney-ncna872661, https://www.researchgate.net/publication/226267616_Dysfunctional_relationship_beliefs_in_marital_conflict, What to do when you dont like your husband, 18 likely reasons why you hate your husband, 5 helpful ways to stop hating your husband, Spice up Your Day With Cute Relationship Memes for Your Partner, The Importance Of Maintaining Healthy Family Relationships, 35 Relationship Goals for Couples & Tips to Achieve Them, 25 Common Marriage Problems Faced by Couples & Their Solutions, 50+ Best Funny Marriage Advice: Finding Humor in Commitment, 50 Best Things to Talk About With Your Boyfriend. But its nice to have a reminder that these judgements are only taking in account face value circumstances. honeybeenicki If not and he wants her in the same home, how can you make it a better environment? Lisa Marie Presley loved being a mother to her "cubs.". The very day we got to her house she began accusing us of taking things, and just finding any and every complaint she could find to make. Because if so, wasnt she stewing in her own filth then too? It is absolutely wrong to leave her to her fate. I know what you mean, however that happens because of her tone in the letter. My point here is that stroke victims are greatly affected by even the most basic of things: cooking, cleaning, taking care of themselves, etc. Start by doing the following: The goal is to make your husband understand your feelings and save your marriage. (Little sis called CPS on my father at age 14, claiming he was physically abusing her, which is absolutely not true, and put herself in to foster care. This is likely how she will always be, and she will likely require heavy amounts of care for the rest of her life. Doing some of it yourself (ie: you know the dog potty pads are a problem, so be proactive and take care of it). Learn how to date your spouse in marriage in this video clip: Indeed, you are lovers, but that doesnt take away the place of respect. If you listen to more of these unpleasant experiences or witness them, it may affect your perception of a healthy marriage. Hopefully your children treat you better when you are your MILs age than youre treating your MIL. So you want him to break his promise to his mother that he will take care of her (which as Wendy pointed out does not have to mean living wth her!). This is why I love this site any arguements due to misreadings are address and moved on from quickly. LW, presumably your husband was fulfilling his promise sufficiently to take care of his mother before you all moved in with her so what steps can you take to get back to that status quo? He has directly told me that Im simply hormonal and Im just using my childrens safety as an excuse to get my way. I want to know how messed up the husband is from how shitty of a mother he had. They force us to take responsibility for what we're thinking and feeling, which protects others from our blame, guilt and judgment." Examples of I-Statements in romantic relationships: I feel scared when it seems like your family is more important to you than I am. Yeah, this is pretty horrible. June 18, 2015, 2:01 pm. I just can't deal with my mil. Im an not saying she should get the thumbs up to just move out and leave her MIL as is. She could not function at home even with 24-hour help and supervision from her children. For instance, your partners appreciate kids, but you dont. Appreciate those gestures by reminding them. Youll need to come up for a plan for the next ten years about how youll plan to continue to help your mother in law with her care, and what your game plan is as a family. You cant abandon this woman who clearly requires a lot of care, and you cant ask your husband to renege on his obligations. Its a great setup but hard to get into, no? Most wives hate their husbands because they hurt or offend them. Want to have a happier, healthier marriage? The best way to show you love your partner is through respect. June 18, 2015, 9:53 am. Now that she knows this about herself and also knows caring for her ailing mother-in-law is an unbreakable condition for her marriage, she will hopefully look for solutions that work for everyone. He's "nice" and "helpful.". Its awesome even without him on the way But my mom and I are really freakishly close (think Gilmore girls) so were odd that way. Be supportive of your husband and understanding as your spouse learns these new traits. This step requires you to be thoughtful and open-minded. Unfortunately, if this stroke is years old, there is really very little change that can be made at this point for the mother. Maybe next time fucking wait till you have your shit together? Sometimes it is best to evaluate yourself before blaming your husband for how you feel about him. It makes sense for the letter writer not to delay graduation or accumulate debt or dip into savings during a temporary situation if they were ultimately planning on living with the MIL, anyway. What does it mean to. If you and your husband stop talking about personal issues frequently, it may affect your feelings for him. It is possible that you hate your husband because he stopped being responsible. I hate my husband because of his father I disliked my in-laws before marrying my husband, since then his selfish father has become even more difficult, making snide comments on. We don't see mil very often for many reasons. Who the fuck cares? Why do I hate my husband? And if Id been pregnant, I definitely would have run into it. If your husband doesnt care about your opinion or values but only what matters to him, it will cause a rift between you. I dunno. Start by doing the following: Start by complimenting him or appreciating him. Its frustrating when you have tried healthy ways to improve someone, but it proves futile. Because with or without LW and husband physically living in the house, mothers life doesnt sound so great, especially compounded by whatever lingering issues from the past stroke, etc. TaraMonster He's had the stroke and it's you who is feeling and expressing what you call "bad feelings". You. I Hate My Husband: The Reasons Why When a couple gets married they imagine that they will be loving and happy during their life. what were you doing on the counter?) Having worked with many stroke patients, the behaviour described sounds very typical. Living with someone who requires a great deal of care who is incapable of caring for themselves, is very hard. Its easy to shift blame to others. This isn't the first time. Its really easy to theorize what it is like taking care of a wacko (through no fault of their own). honeybeenicki Life is unpredictable, and marriage is full of surprises. June 18, 2015, 10:07 am. I just read your comment again. Stay calm and think it through to evaluate your marriage and. Good luck. Here we were deep cleaning her house, since she let it get really nasty, just so we can live there with my 8-year-old daughter (from a previous relationship), and shes picking arguments with us almost daily for six months. Tell her to reframe, tell her not to welsh on her MIL, tell her its the price she pays for being family and getting a free house, but why is it so wrong to do it with with a different tone? These were her decisions to make. You might say, I hate my husband, because he has hurt you a lot in the past. It is his first responsibility to see to the needs of his wife and children, including the stepchild. something random My parents neglected my emotional needs consistently in favour of my more challenging sister. Now If they moved in because he chooses not work right now and they thought it would be easy to just have a free place to crash and that the MIL would be an, easy convenient baby sitter for their kids, then that is something else. I cant believe how willing you are to drop her without any support vs. setting up support from afar. But she did and now I cant help feeling for her, a little bit. Telling someone shes a bad person isnt likely to make her take the advice, but reframing the message i in a kinder (but equally blunt) way would make her more likely to take heed. i hate my husband because of his mother santa margherita chianti classico 2014 intertops sports betting i hate my husband because of his mother May 10, 2022 Know that youre not alone in this struggle, there are support groups for family members of stroke victims (try an internet search) It might be worth checking them out to get ideas from others in your situation about what they have done for care of their relatives when problem solving deficits are leading to unsafe living conditions. By making your husband doesnt care about your husband because he stopped being responsible when dealing with difficult.., and you might say, I definitely would have run into it him his! 14 years nicer to me than LWs MIL is going to need all of her tone the! 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